To Serve Idiots
by flowingsabre
Summary: The kaicho may love her precious students, but that does not stop her from trolling them without mercy. Part the First: Hitsugi finds some food for thought in the library.


Please see standard disclaimer in profile.

This is (one hopes) the first of many tales of Hitsugi trolling the hell out of her precious students, intentionally or otherwise. Seriously, why let Shizuku have all the, err, fun. I am not above taking suggestions as to which students should be the next to fall prey to Hitsugi's vagaries, so feel free to chime in with a review or PM. Please note that I'm going to leave Jun until later, as the potential is just too high to waste immediately. And now, if we may begin.

* * *

The book fell softly open, baring its wisdom to the world. Minori didn't care.

"Aw man, she moved it!"

The secret compartment she'd expected to find within the book was no more, and considering her shinyu's nature, she knew this was definitely a replacement copy, not the restored original. All interest in the book now lost, she spun around and plopped sullenly down into a cross-legged position on the floor.

"Now what. Ain't gonna get any sugar here."

"Why, you must approach her directly, then."

Minori devolved into a scrabbling mess of limbs at the kaicho's sudden interruption.

"I do apologize if I startled you, but I could not remain silent."

If anything could restore normalcy to a situation, it was Hitsugi's inability to remain quiet. A simple, soothing, familiar aspect of life for all students at Tenchi Gakuen thus reared its head.

With a conglomeration of sighs and groans of effort and annoyance, Minori unwrapped her limbs just enough to glare at the headmistress.

"Sure wish you HAD stayed outta this. Since you got that…. that…."

Her train of thought was lost in a rising tide of drool and sugar-lust, as once the shock of Hitsugi's sudden appearance had faded from the stolid girl's mind, it became apparent that one particular detail of this scene was even more relevant.

Silhouetted against the moon through the window behind her, Hitsugi pointed dramatically down at the smaller girl, heedless to the presence of a candied apple in her pointing hand.

"Please regain control of yourself, lest you undermine the spirit of Tenchi Gakuen with your whining."

The apple bobbed before Minori's eyes, and she could not tell if the movement were in her mind or the real thing. She failed yet again to care, as the only relevant detail was that its motion had not yet brought it into her waiting mouth. Drool trickled lazily from the corner of her mouth as her mind launched into a daydream in which candied apples were the star, extras, and audience alike. And where was she in this dream? Everywhere. Anyplace but here, in reality, where a loud upperclassman was busily expounding the myriad ways in which Minori's lack of response bemused and angered her.

Somewhat sated, she came to her senses only to witness Hitsugi idly polishing off the last bit of her candied apple from its stick. The apple's remains bulging from her cheek, Hitsugi inquired, "Are you quite finished?"

As her brain strove to come to terms with the fact that this particular candied apple was beyond her reach, she blurted out "Hell no, unlike YOU!"

Minori had little respect for people who did not consume their food with the utmost haste. To savor food was to admit to one's own inability to obtain more, and surely the kaicho, of all people, had no such problem. Her stomach grumbled, driving home her own lack of sweets.

As if sensing the girl's distaste for her actions, Hitsugi chewed for a few more very, very long moments. Had Minori been thinking anywhere close to straight, she might have considered the possibility that she was being intentionally toyed with.

The now-apple-less stick popped audibly out of Hitsugi's mouth. "Now, whyever may you, of all people, be thus found in the library at this late hour, Tsukishima-san?"

Minori began to rise and glare at the kaicho, then thought better of the energy required to do so, not to mention the possible outcomes. Resettling into a hungry mass on the floor, she grumbled upward, "Had ta…. Look up something real important."

Tossing the stick nonchalantly over her shoulder and out the closed window, Hitsugi strode over toward the bookshelves behind Minori, her hair swaying in the breeze that had entered through the newly broken windowpane.

"I do recall having espied your shinyu with a volume bearing this title, assuming it is in fact this one here…"

Minori frowned up at the arm that reached above her head to collect the open book.

"Ah, I see that my certitude was not misguided. This is a match. However…" With an unusually pensive look, Hitsugi dropped the book experimentally, nearly crushing Minori in the process. Before the wounded girl could finish spluttering, the process was repeated.

"Wouldya just move that like a freaking meter over, you damn kaicho!"

"My apologies. Your presence here had lost its relevance, you do understand."

"Doesn't mean ya gotta try and murder me!"

"If the truth demands it, so be it!"

"….. I just… I don't get where the hell you're coming from, kaicho!"

Hitsugi furrowed her brows and crossed her arms, the book of the hour dangling idly from one hand despite its massive size. "I must admit that I simply cannot obtain the answers I seek with your skull interfering with the earthwards flight of this volume."

Had her head not already been splitting, Minori would have considered banging it against the nearby shelves. "Just move it like two steps thataway. Any which way. Doesn't matter much. Like, anywhere, 'kay?"

"So many options. So many indeed. I shall know which is best in but a moment."

With her free hand Hitsugi fished into a hidden skirt pocket and from it drew the most gloriously shiny wrapper Minori had laid eyes on in quite some time. This was the good stuff. This was what she had been missing. The few sweets her shinyu had tried to stash away in her various hiding spots faded away in the brilliance of this wonder that Hitsugi had unleashed.

But no… it was not yet unleashed. This was a candy without a true master. Minori's legs coiled beneath her in anticipation. Ready, set, launch—

Truly, she should have known that Hitsugi's speed would carry over to the consumption of high-quality sugary concoctions. Minori, unbowed after her duel with the kaicho's dog, had now been beaten most thoroughly in her own arena. This would take some time to heal.

Her mouth and spirit full, Hitsugi declaimed, "I am now ready!" In a few thundering moments, she was down the main aisle of the library and almost at the exit.

"Hey! HEY! Where you goin' with that!"

"It's my book, really, if you trouble yourself to think about it. I'm just curious as to what that girl saw in this particular one."

Minori did not feel like informing her that this was not truly the book in question.

"I mean, to be honest, I utterly fail to grasp the connection between any manner of book and your brain, Tsukishima-san, be it in any other way than by physical contact. And that seems to have accomplished little beyond a moment's entertainment, for which I must thank you." Hitsugi continued musing to herself over the top of Minori's loud objections. "Was Hoshikawa-san merely gaining morale and mental sustenance from consulting this book's wisdom in the face of your…..disparate abilities?"

She hummed to herself for a moment while poised in the doorway, and then turned to beam back at the younger girl.

"I do believe I have it." She hefted the book a few times, and Minori believed for a moment that she had caught on.

"It really is just purely amusing, in theory if naught else. I shall now solicit Shizuku's…opinion on the matter. Do excuse me."

The door slammed shut, but the girl left behind could not hear it over the screaming between her ears.


End file.
